How not to Online Date.

Online Dating Tinder
Yes, again. I’ve re-downloaded Tinder, updated my POF profile and it’s all still the exact same.

Tinder is a dating app like no other. It allows you to objectify every user, usually within a 10 mile radius and dismiss them with a swipe if their profile doesn’t do it for you.

POF allows you more opportunities to share information about yourself but also opens you up to more criticism.

The online dating world is making singletons ever more disposable – there’s always another app to use, another swipe to be had, another person to message. In a way, it’s actually a bit cruel as it’s not a way we’d ever treat people in real life.

Regardless of all that, I’ve come to realise that there are some massive profile turn offs. I’m not be any means saying mine is perfect (jokes, clearly is, I have no idea why Prince Charming hasn’t come knocking yet), but some things I’ve seen are just a massive no.

Here’s a list of things that shouldn’t happen in the world of online dating. Enjoy!

1. Advertising your dungeon/dominant services. Yep, this happened. I’ve actually seen this guy on POF and Tinder and do you know how I recognised him again? On both profiles he lures you in with a normal looking main photo before you swipe through to photos of latex outfits, handcuffs and an actual dungeon. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re into that, go for it, but surely dating sites are quite a broad place to advertise such a niche offering? (Is offering the right word for this?). I mean, there must be better and more specialised sites. Who knows?

2. Group photos. This is not Where’s Wally. If every photo is a group photo, I will assume you are the shortest/least attractive and aiming for the bridesmaid effect.

3. Anyone who gets into conversation and brings up anal within the first three messages. What an absolute delight, definitely someone to take home to your mum. Oh no, wait. No.

4. Only having one photo. What exactly are you trying to hide?

5. Making innuendos using vegetable emojis. Yep. Tinder is such a delight, isn’t it? ‘I have something very similar to an aubergine’.... if you’re trying to imply that your dick is deep purple in colour and has a green stalk on the end, please seek medical attention.

6. Photos with kids. Obvs online dating isn’t limited to the childless but these are platforms where you have zero control over who views your profile, there is no privacy and it could be anyone. Just me that finds that weird? Also, having to ask if the child belongs to them is awkward for everyone involved.

7. Assuming everyone who messages you is ‘the same’. Newsflash, they’re not. And an essay in your about me stating that every guy/girl is after one thing/a bit of a dick/will treat you like shit probably isn’t going to get you very far.

8. Documenting your entire dating history. Something along the lines of ‘I’ve been single for a while and thought I’d try this’ – fine, it lets you know a bit of the situation. But recently I read an ‘about me’ that informed me all about how the guy had been with a girl for seven years, engaged to be married, until a month before the wedding and a bridesmaid told him  the bride-to-be had been shagging his brother. Perhaps this isn’t the best place to get your feelings heard on this one? Jeremy Kyle on the other hand may be very interested.

9. Posting images which identify where you work. Do you want a stalker?

10. Half naked photos. Also known as begging it. Please, put some clothes on.

11. Lying about your height. If you get as far as dating someone (WOOOOO!!!) there is nothing worse than them turning up having said they were 5’11 and they rock up pushing 5’6. I’m not saying it’s all about looks but it makes you question what else they’ve lied about. Also, it makes you question if they’re a bit thick as whilst you can blag a whole new personality, you can’t lie your way to being 3 inches taller.

12. Any offers of ‘come to my house’ or ‘I’ll come pick you up’ when you’ve never met before. Yes, you may know you’re not a serial killer, but unfortunately for me, POF doesn’t require users to submit a CRB check. Am I just going to jump into a car with an unknown stranger on the internet? No ta.

So there we have it. The kind of things you’re up against if you’re single and wanting to date in 2015. Luckily for you guys, next month I’ll be going speed-dating for the first time (yes, I booked it when I was drunk, no I’m not quite sure how I now feel about it), so expect a post on that too.

What are your online dating profile nightmares?

1 comment

  1. Always love your dating posts Lizi. I also redownloded POF and Tinder recently, and I'm not quite sure why I bothered!

    I'm looking forward to reading about speed dating!